And so it begins

I haven't written about the deployment in awhile and it is time to start. This last couple of weeks have been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster. I have been eating more, drinking a little more and definitely crying more.

Kevin and I are squeezing in as much as possible into every weekend that we can. It can be exhuasting doing it all, but, time is precious and I feel it is running away from me.

I have my training dates solidified now, for once, I have a solid date. But, with the solid date comes reality. It is happening for real. I have to be in place in Ft Polk Louisiana by 31 Jul, the course will be complete Oct 5th or 6th. The difference with this training compared to the million I have been to before, this one will make the difference in a potential life or death situation that I could be facing. Which sucks no matter how you slice it. But, it has two advantages with being the dates they are. 1. I can see Cecilia one more time before I leave. 2. I can run the Mt Lemmon Marathon with Kevin. I will be able to be part of the 3 things that make me most happy. Cecilia, Kevin and my running. It is all a goal to get me through the training. I am scared, plain and simple.

I have to be strong for Cecilia. We went to a workshop for kids on how deployments affects children. It has opened up the dialog for her to talk to me. Which, she has slowly been shutting down on me. Her idea of talking about it is, I don't want you to go, I don't want to go to Daddy's. That is all she says. We are getting there though.

She said to me, Mommy, you have never missed a birthday and you are going to miss two of them. I am going to miss celebrating mine too. So, we decided that we will celebrate in July at Star Pass, we will celebrate her 13th and my 38th. We will celbrate the 14th and 39th when I get to come home half way through. I am giving her shirts that smell like me that mean something special to her to have on her stuffed animals that she sleeps with. She has a bear that I am writing positive notes from mom on so she can read them and know I think these things about her everyday, even if I am not there to say them. I am going to make the arrangments for her to come home to visit at various times through out the year. It is not fair on her to have to go through a reintergration process too. So she can still stay connected to Kevin, Matthew and Kevin's family. She means the world to them and they mean the world to her. I think it will help her to just be in her own home, in her room and be around mom things. My fear that is eating away at me in this whole process is that she will feel abandoned. I don't want her to feel that for one second she is alone and won't see me again. I don't want her to feel isolated in a new living environment and for her to still feel connected. This whole thing is just ripping me apart in how it is affecting her and I am not even gone yet.

As for Kevin and I, it is going to be tough too. I turn to him daily for support, which I know I can still do. I will miss his affection that melts it all away. We have an already great communication process between us, it is how we began. Talking over email and phone. We will do videos over the computer too as I will with Cecilia. At the retreat we went to this weekend we are very lucky in that this is going to be our only deployment, there will be no more. Some couples, it was their double digit deployment they had to go through. I know that Kevin has a great support system here to help him out also for the times that are hard that I have been there to help pick him up when his grief is so strong. We got phones last week, Blackberry's that will help with keeping us connected. Talking Skype to Skype and free messenging from one Blackberry to another. I have to be able to talk to him every day or nearly every day to keep me strong for when I talk to Cecilia. I can't have her sense or feel my weakness so that is doesn't scare her. We are supposed to be strong for our children. She knows this is hard for me for what it is causing her and what is doing to our whole life. But, I remind her it isn't forever and I won't ever be going away again.

So, that is where things are at right now. I am working 4 am to 12 so I have more time with her each day. We have a lot of fun weekends coming up. A lot of movies to watch. A lot of organizing going on. A lot of buying stuff to last me 15 months. Supplies are limited, so, I am stocking up and Kevin will mail me supplies as needed. I have a lot of work requirements to work out too. I am going to start taking a day of leave each week so I can just focus on getting this stuff done and have our weekends free to do what we want. It is a lot and at this retreat, not another person is dealing with the same situation. So, maybe this is all happening for a reason-to educate the person that has to uproot thier entire life, pets, kids, home, car etc to disappear for a year in a place where they don't know what their job is or what to expect, then come back like nothing happened and have it all be ok. Seems unachievable, but, with the love and support of my family, Kevin's family, Ed's family and friends, we will come out the other end okay. Until the next time...