Reset Button Needed

I woke up today feeling a little 'off'. Not that I feel sick, not one thing in particular is bothering me. Thought it was my stomach, but, it passed. Thought it was a sleepless night, that wasn't it. Maybe it was hunger, not it. I just seem to need a little reset. The Holidays are over now, the Christmas stuff is put away. The garage is finally clean and sorted out. Everything is all in order. I know what 'it' is. It is the elephant in the room that I don't want to talk about-it is the deployment. It is weighing on me daily and the more I try to fight thinking about it, it sneaks up on me. Last night Kevin was snoring, I tried to stir him-to wake him, but, he gently reached out to me-patted my head, rubbed my arm and drifted back to snoring. I was annoyed and mad. I was annoyed because I was wide awake and could only focus on the snoring and mad that in a year I will do anything to hear his snoring. Which only made me stay more awake. I layed there for an hour, then I moved to the couch and layed there for another hour or so. I wasn't mad that he was snoring at all, given the situation-he had Matthew laying on him-there was no choice in stirring them. What he has with him is precious and I wouldn't stir that. It all just made me think about the elephant. I am going to miss so much of Matthew's growth in the year I am gone. Cecilia will turn 13 this year. 13. I won't be gone yet, but, she will be in Tennessee and not with her mommy. Each day it is truly shattering my heart. She is going to turn the corner of I don't really care what I smell like to obsessing over her hair and I am going to miss that. I may miss her first crush and first heartbreak. Her mommy won't be there to hold her and wipe the tears away, to eat ice cream and watch girly movies to forget the kid who broke her heart. I won't be there. I get so frustrated at myself when I get annoyed with her, because what if something happens to me and all she can remember is that I am on her case about deoderant? I feel exactly like I did when I went through the divorce. Guilt parenting. I feel guilty for being the enforcer but, know I need to. I can't even begin to start the guilt I feel for not physically being here for Kevin next year. To hold him when the grief of Ben is too heavy to carry and I can't hold him and tell him it will be ok, we will get through it. I will do my best via phone, email, video. It is just weighing down on me and I need a reset to turn it around. I think once I start training for the Bataan March and have that to distract me then I can deal with this better. I am glad and sad Christmas is over. I wish I hadn't found out about this damn deployment until after the New Year. It was a struggle to find joy in it all. Which is Not like me at all. I was glad to put it all away, but so sad to know it won't be pulled out again until 2012. Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to go for a march with the pack and start looking to the next step. I hope to get the dates nailed down this week for when my training will be, so I can plan some events. For now, awaiting a reset to deal with the elephant.